Are you okay with being lonely?
Photo by Maya Abraham
Throughout my life, I have experienced many inconsistent friendships and relationships. As a child, the idea of a new friendship excited me a little more compared to others my age—which I was told was okay due to the childlike yearning that I had always possessed. I never imagined that the journey of accepting loneliness was on the list of life lessons I would undergo. Soon enough, I found myself being my best friend.
From a young age, my ethnicity had supposedly been a barrier to my potentiality of making friends. Being the only South Asian Indian girl at my elementary school, my early years had been filled with insecurity and mastering the art of comparison. I dreamt of having straight blonde locks with blue eyes, as opposed to my dark eyes and wild, curly hair. I soon understood that these foreign traits were apparent to other students, which had made me feel like a true outcast amongst my peers. This truly staggered my wish to form a group of friends that didn't alienate me, leaving me to wonder if anyone at my school wanted me around. The thought of taking on the background character role made my insecurities flourish and led me to antagonize my elementary school experience.
In my transition from elementary to middle school, I had realized the unspoken loneliness I felt when I was surrounded by my peers. This was mainly sparked by the uncertainty I felt in myself because my attempt to act like the other individuals at school had burnt me out. I had neglected the adjective “lonely” for so long until I realized that by the end of my first six years of school, I was so unsure of who I was as an individual and felt like I had lost connection to the person I used to be.
In hopes of making true friends and straying far from the faces that I was so used to seeing, I decided to apply to the Gifted and Talented Academy, a district-established school where students went as opposed to their zoned middle school. This was one of the best decisions of my life, as I am honored to say that the friends I made at the academy are now my best friends. They accepted me for who I was without a second thought, which was something I wasn't used to as a younger child. I wasn't used to being surrounded by people who made me feel included. They made me feel as if I didn't need to act like somebody I wasn't, but instead, they openly encouraged my own way of thinking, which resulted in a gratifying feeling I hadn't felt with any other set of friends. My middle school experience has become one of the best experiences I've ever had. I finally found positive influences in my life that also sparked pure serotonin within me. Putting myself into new social settings was something I never actively did, due to the shyness I had developed as a young girl. However, I would realize later that I needed to put in that extra effort in order to make friends and I had to get over feeling insecure about my interests in order to find friends that I could truly connect with. This experience helped me grow as a person and find out what type of connection I truly needed from a friend. The confidence I gained from my relationship with genuine and compassionate people has made me more confident in all aspects of my life. To the people who helped me grow into the person I am today, thank you for being a true friend.
All good things must come to an end. My best friends would eventually leave me to go to different high schools that they were zoned to. Saying I was crushed at that moment is an understatement. I couldn't imagine being apart from the people who essentially made me who I am. The thought of having to make new friends wasn't something I was looking forward to. The timing couldn't have been worse, but I soon learned that the character I had made of myself so far would not go away, as I entered into a saddening period of isolation.
Although I’m just a sophomore in high school, my journey of self-discovery had only just begun. For many of us, there are several defining moments in our lives that lead to a better understanding of ourselves. Whether these moments require crucial, morally ethical responses or spontaneous responses, it is agreed amongst many that these “core moments'' may result in the most clarity on one's true character. Personally, I’ve grown to understand that being okay with loneliness starts with accepting who you've grown to become. When we show compassion for the person we've become, it makes it easier for us to show that same compassion to others. Having experienced said moments, I truly understood who I was as a person and what I continue to stand for.
It is a common experience to have gone through breakups and separations, whether it involved a significant other or a friend. Waldosia, a word beautifully contrived by poet John Koenig, is “a condition characterized by scanning faces in a crowd, looking for a specific person who would have no reason to be there”. It is the brain's way of subconsciously looking for individuals who were once significant in our lives, but who no longer are. Being lonely is often recognized as a weakness after losing a connection you had with a certain person. I still find it remarkable how certain people may have a lasting effect on your heart, mind, and soul because of the affinities we naturally create as human beings amongst one another. After the sudden loss of someone that had been so significant in your life, one is expected to mourn. Mourn the shared memories, knowing that it's anticipated that you stop reminiscing because of how that leads to staggering recovery. I'm sure many of us have heard the phrase “a piece of me left” when someone describes the feeling of detachment from others, but I believe that this is a false stigma. I've recently learned that the only weakness that is present when facing a period of loneliness in your life is not being able to be alone with yourself. There came a moment in my life where I had gone through constant loss. The sudden deprivation of human connection was swarming its way back into my life and made me reflect on the stigma, “lonely is lame”. The feeling I had felt as the fragile preteen I once was had returned and provoked me to wonder if I was circling back to my ways of uncertainty. What was left for me, now that I had lost an abundant amount?
Dealing with such tribulations, certain depressive tendencies that I’ve faced throughout my life had become more apparent in my evident time of vulnerability. Fatigue and a complex relationship with food is an ongoing battle I face. Along with dealing with such fatigue to where my relationship with food was in question, I had been under the influence of overwhelming thoughts and actions regarding my time nearing an end. If you ever feel the urge to near a sudden end to your life as a result of being engulfed in isolation, I urge you to immediately seek help from whomever that may be from. Understanding how to overcome the notion of self-isolation is by far the most challenging process I've faced in my 15 years of life. I believe it is the most challenging process because of how it must be faced alone. Allowing myself the time and space for beneficial isolation has led me to become who I am today.
As we continue to grow, the hard truth is that there will be moments in our lives where we’re lonely. The feeling is inevitable, whether or not certain individuals like to acknowledge it. Throughout this piece, I’ve talked about self-development and how I overcame the struggle of fitting in. But, my most effective self-development occurred in times of loneliness and vulnerability. The realization of how much one can grow during isolation is neglected by almost everybody. Growing in and out of relationships is inevitable. Leaving behind people who fail to add value to your life is inevitable. Being alone is inevitable. Accepting the multiple opportunities for personal growth that loneliness offers leads to the most crucial moments of self-discovery and self-acceptance. I encourage those of you who are still in the un-defying process of self-discovery to understand the importance of that alone time that you may dread and to take advantage of the opportunity. And for those of you that are reminiscing back into the period of your life where you experienced the most introspection and self-seeking, I leave you with one question. Are you okay with being lonely?