Let Me Tell You Something
Artwork by Libbe Phan
I used to be so proud of the fact that I kept everything to myself. I told no one about my feelings, my worries, and my insecurities. I thought that being vulnerable was pathetic, and that nothing good would come out of it. Why would you tell someone something that could be used against you at any time? I couldn’t understand it, so I locked all of my deepest thoughts and emotions inside myself. That way, I would be safe. No one would know, and no one would be able to hurt me.
My friends knew nothing about me. Well, maybe they knew that my favourite ice cream flavour was mint chocolate chip and that I hated peanuts, but regarding my feelings, they knew nothing. I made sure that the smiling mask I wore every day was impenetrable. No hidden emotion of mine should slip through the holes. They would only show themselves when I got home, usually in the form of warm tears on my pillow or my short temper at home when talking with my family. Looking back, it is obvious that I was lonely, but I didn’t know it. Even if I had known, I would probably refuse to admit it and push the thoughts far into the back of my mind.
Back then, I hadn’t the slightest idea what mental health was. I had never even heard of it. The only thing I associated with the word “health” was physical health. I would take my vitamins every morning, eat my greens while trying to not puke, and awkwardly try to play sports in my P.E. class. My school had several counsellors, but none of them told us students about mental health. To be honest, I don’t think they even knew about it. After all, the topic of mental health wasn’t something that was talked about a lot in Indonesia.
As a result, I didn’t know how to take care of myself mentally. I let the negative emotions that I felt accumulate deep inside my heart until they became a ticking time bomb, just waiting to detonate. Triggered by the passing of my grandfather, it finally imploded when I was almost fourteen years old. All of the sadness and loneliness that I had previously hidden away out of shame overtook me. I was lost in a dark maze without knowing the way out and how to ask for help. So I curled up into a ball and let myself get consumed by the darkness.
The universe had other plans, however, and I was very fortunate to have one of my best friends reach out to me. At that moment, I was in a very dark place and could no longer hold my defence up. So I told her everything—the pain, the loneliness, all of the emotions that I was feeling. However, instead of calling me pathetic for needing someone, she listened. She lit up a torch and held my hand, guiding me out of the maze. I was finally saved.
It wasn’t until I went to study in Canada when I was eighteen that I finally gave counselling a try. It was probably one of the best decisions that I have ever made in my life. I learned more about mental health and found out just how bad I had been neglecting mine. Little by little, I started to open up. First, to my family, and then to my closest friends. They all listened, and I realized just how different things actually were compared to the thoughts that I had in my mind. There is nothing shameful about sharing your feelings and asking for help.
It is indeed a challenge to let yourself feel your emotions, but I have learned the hard way about the consequences of ignoring them. When things get overwhelming, ask for help. It might be difficult if you’re prideful like me, but you’ll find that the support of your loved ones is worth the price of swallowing your pride. Sometimes, there will be those who belittle your feelings. When that happens, don’t take their words to heart. Your emotions, no matter what anyone says, are valid.
Mental health is extremely important, yet it is often forgotten or not talked about enough. In honour of Mental Health Awareness Month*, let me use this opportunity to remind all of us to take care, stay safe, and love ourselves.
*This personal essay was written during Mental Health Awareness Month last month in May.
