Old School in New School
Graphic by Libbe Phan
When it was decided that my school would go back to good ol’ in-person classes, I was disappointed. I had been hoping they would change their minds and keep having online classes, but it appeared that my wish was not granted. From the start, the initial plan was to have the first two weeks online, and then we would move to in-person classes. My friends and I were quite skeptical about whether or not they would really do that, especially with the recent rise of Omicron cases, and some of them were very worried they might get it by going to school. An email from the university president later confirmed they would go forward with the initial plan. Happy or not, I was going to school.
I would be lying if I said I was completely unhappy about their decision. I wished they would continue online classes, but at the same time, I was hoping for in-person classes since I find it hard to make friends in the absence of flesh. However, to my surprise, I made several amazing friends in an online creative writing class, at my previous college. I think I just got lucky. Mostly everyone I’ve talked to has agreed that in-person classes are so much better when it comes to making friends. There’s just this magic that comes from being in the same room together and talking to someone face-to-face versus through a computer screen.
Another side of me was very anxious about going to school again after almost two years. I couldn’t stop pacing my room an hour before I left my home, and I kept looking for things to do. I suddenly started organizing my table and cleaning my room because I didn’t know what else to do. I went to the bathroom several times because I kept feeling like I had to pee out of nervousness. Really, I was just a mess.
In 2020, I got a little bit agoraphobic because of Covid-19. I wasn’t scared I would get it by going outside, I was just afraid of leaving my home because I had spent too much time inside. I got so comfortable being inside, it became my comfort zone. I remember I would cancel my plans with my friends out of fear of leaving the house, and I would do it on the day we were supposed to go by making excuses about how I wasn’t feeling well. I got over this fear in several weeks by telling myself I didn’t have the choice to not go. I had to shut down this “escape plan” or otherwise, I would never be able to go outside again. My heart started racing less and less every time I grabbed the doorknob, and before I knew it, I was able to go out normally again.
Only this time, the issue was not with leaving the house but with going back to school. If you ask me what I was so nervous about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I wasn’t sure myself. Perhaps it was because it had been a long time since I last went to school, and there was also the fact that I had never been to my new school. I recently transferred from college to university, so I was afraid that I would get lost. All these fears mixed together made me so uneasy. Still, I gritted my teeth, put on my backpack, and left the house. I couldn’t afford to skip a class—tuition fees for international students are incredibly (and unfairly) expensive. I refused to let my dad’s money go to waste.
Once I was on the train, I felt strangely serene. I used to feel the same way when I was little– a bit agoraphobic. I was always scared of getting out of the house, as in opening the door and crossing the threshold. Not afraid of being outside, but afraid of leaving a sense of safety. I sat still. I let the train take me to campus while I listened to music and calmed down. Half an hour later, I arrived and searched for my classroom before sitting down. I wasn’t very nervous anymore at that point, just a little awkward. After about fifteen minutes or so, my professor walked in, and it was just the weirdest feeling in the world. I wasn’t sure if I should look at him or not. It was as if I had forgotten how to act like a normal human being. Looking back, it is kind of funny how weird I was acting.
After the first week, I felt completely fine about going to school. I was able to make new friends, which I am very happy about. Sure, I was a nervous wreck, but I am proud of myself for not running away, and instead, moving forward. For those of you who are as nervous as I was about going back to school, you can do it! Hopefully, our world will go back to normal soon. Take care and stay safe.
