Down the Rabbit Hole
CW: Discussion of mental health (depression, mention of suicidal ideation, etc.)
Original Artwork by Charlotte Asr
I was diagnosed bipolar my senior year of high school- a rapid cycler at that time. Two years before that, I had been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety- all severe cases. I had felt dysthymic since the fourth grade. My life’s history seemed to provide evidence that my brain, from the very start, was broken. I was starting to get the impression that feeling bad was the only guarantee in my life. That even if I wasn’t sad at that moment, there was a big dark hole hiding just around the corner that I would fall into and never be able to crawl back out of. To quote a skeleton-costume donning Phoebe Bridgers, I was getting the feeling that whenever I felt good, it would be the last time.
My psychiatrist once said to me “You know, you don’t have to go down the rabbit hole.” I didn’t entirely understand at first. She meant I didn’t need to entertain intrusive thoughts. I didn’t need to listen to that voice that says “you are so, so sad all the time and will only ever be this sad,” and believe it. I didn’t need to resign to the idea that because I was sad now that was all I’d ever be. This is one of the core tenets of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: your feelings are not facts. Feeling like you will never be happy again does not mean you will never be happy again, and fearing being sad, fearing sadness, only makes that conclusion harder to realize. Your feelings are not the problem, your response to them- your fear of them- is.
My therapist compares unpleasant thoughts and emotions to bubbles floating by us in the wind. You walk a down path, and they float at you from an unknown source in the distance. You can choose to run from them (futile), try to count how many bubbles are coming next (never-ending), try to follow them in desperate attempts to somehow change them (exhausting), or you can let them float past you and keep moving forward. Same goes for feelings: anxiety and mood disorders (and even just bouts of these without chronic mental illness) get us wound up and itching to control these bubbles, our thoughts and emotions. We want to know what’s coming next, so we live in fear that the next feeling we have will be an unpleasant one, and that all the ones after might be unpleasant too. Or we get so scared we run from them, praying we never feel these emotions in the first place, doing anything to avoid them. We might run crying after the bubbles that have already passed us: wishing that things even years in the past had been different. Or, we can stop running around in needless pain. We can equip ourselves with coping strategies and the strength given to us by loved ones and professional mental healthcare workers and try to maintain relative peace. This doesn’t mean being happy all the time, this means trusting that no matter what you feel right now - whether that be angry, sad, suicidal, anxious, envious, enraged, hopeless, depressed - is not what you are going to feel every day for the rest of your life. We will still suffer, but with some practice in mindfulness, radical self-acceptance, CBT, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (suggestions below), we can maintain relative calm in the face of ups and downs. Life is incredibly painful at times. It doesn’t require much more than a braincell to know that. However, it might take a little convincing and practice to understand that feeling sad now does not make you a sad person who is doomed to be sad forever. And if you aren’t sad right now, you don’t need to be afraid of feeling sad ‘again’: bipolar or not you will feel sad again at some point in your life and that is a perfectly healthy and normal response to all kinds of life events. In that exact same way, you will feel peace again, you will feel rest again, you will feel joy again. It’s been nearly four years since that bipolar diagnosis, and I am thankful to say that with the help of medication, mental health professionals, and the practice of CBT and DBT, I continue to crawl back out of that hole every time I fall in it. Sometimes unwillingly, sometimes thankfully, but all times relieved. Being proven wrong never feels better than when you were wrong about never feeling good again.
So next time you feel sad, or any other unpleasant emotion, pretend it’s a silly little rabbit or bubble and just let it go where it’s going. You don’t need to follow it, you don’t need to fear it. Take note of how you’re feeling and leave it at that, moving forward with self-compassion. Mind your business and attend to your basic needs: eat something, have some water, take a shower, rest, move a little if you can. Just like every other time you’ve had an intrusive thought or an unpleasant emotion- you will get through it, it will pass. Let go of the fear and just take care of yourself the best you can. What’s so scary about a rabbit and some bubbles anyway?
Suggested Reading and Resources
Self-Care Walkthrough “You Feel Like Shit”
Psychology Today’s Therapist Finder
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
There Is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self Hate by Cheri Heuber If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or mental health issues, check out this NAMI link for resources.
Concepts to Google
Radical Self-Acceptance
Mindfulness (Calm App or website, Headspace)
CBT and/or DBT
If you or a loved one is in immediate danger calling 911 (or your designated emergency number depending where you're located in the world) and talking with police may be necessary.
