(Trying) To Be Good

Illustration by Regina Alieenteena

Sometimes I look at people and wonder how they are able to live just for the sake of living

I wonder how easily they can refuse to lend a helping hand when they don’t feel like it

how easily they can prioritize themselves

how easily they can go on with their lives without feeling guilty about existing

Please don’t misunderstand me as I am not saying these things out of spite

but rather out of admiration

as well as jealousy

for I am constantly haunted by guilt, suffocated by fear

On days when I feel like doing nothing

I fear being called a shut-in if I just stay in my room

So I change my clothes and grab my bag

Turn the doorknob and go outside

On days when I’m really tired but

I hear someone that needs help

I find myself offering it

sometimes unconsciously

Because that’s what 

I’m supposed to do

meet others’ expectations

be useful to others

If not, why should I even be here?—A waste of space

Still, sometimes my 

heart whispers let’s play 

dumb, turn a deaf ear to 

their call of help

This is what happens when

a no-good tries to be good

when a villain tries to play the hero

even though she is not meant to be one

If my parents knew about these thoughts of mine,

would they cry? 

Sometimes I feel undeserving of their love, of their time

of their worries, prayers, money

When I confided in a friend about these thoughts of mine, I wondered if 

she properly understood the strength of the grip that fear and guilt has on me

The strength of their claws that sinks deep into me, leaving only a little space for 

the air to enter my lungs—a simple but powerful reminder that I still exist every day